Flourishes

There are these flourishes God adds to His painting of life. Little flourishes and big flourishes. I had two things I needed to handle one day as I was doing hally duty, one with Kenny (I had a check that he lost) and April (she just wrote a wonderful note). I was going to track them down during 7th pd, but, one after another, each from a different side of the hall, they walked toward me on my hall duty! I told April that I heard her in the note and I’d read whatever she wrote.

Jesus alive under the dentist’s drill

I praise God for what happened today. What happened was I sat under the dentist’s drill for a deep filling and stood in Christ.

All before the visit I was taken by bouts of gut-swirling anxiety. Do you know that feeling? I prayed almost constantly. At times I prayed in the Spirit, not knowing at all what to ask for. I asked Crystal to pray for me. I talked long with God about it, over all the options.

One option had been to ask about laughing gas. I decided before the visit that this was not a good idea, as this act of cowardice would spend money we didn’t have. Instead, I would rely on Christ. At times that seemed as hollow as a drum, but now I praise God for it.

God brought me to a dental office that is not like the one of my youth. It does not have TVs built into the ceiling. It is not in a building all it’s own, but rather is in a strip mall. The “room” I was in had no wall separating it from an adjacent chair. Equipment appeared old. There was not a great smell to the place (kind of smelled like food). But I praise God for this place, for the Holy Spirit has placed gentleness in the hearts of its workers, from the desk staff to the hygienists to the assistants to the doctor himself.

The doctor (Dr. Jun Park) was a man that seemed to elevate me in his heart above himself. Instead of doing my tooth in one sitting, he was careful to numb the area with gel, then apply novicain, then wait for ten minutes, then apply a larger dose of novicain. Because of this care, which now reminds me of the care that Jesus has taken with me, the drilling was much less noticeable. There was the tiniest sensation when he got to the deepest point, but it was nothing compared to any filling of my past (and this was by far the deepest filling I’ve ever received, I think).

He didn’t browbeat me. He didn’t tell me I didn’t floss enough. No one at the office ever did that.

If I seem to be worshipping the office, let me assure you that I’m not. I’m worshipping the God who has created this dental office and then led me to it, of the myriad offices and doctors listed with my insurer. God led me to exactly this office, for exactly this filling, for exactly this time in my life when I am in the middle of a spiritual struggle.

I realized some precious things today both before the chair and while on it. I will try to share them here, in no order:

• Jesus didn’t die as just as an example for me, but rather in my place. No I will never face death; I will never die. There is nothing, now, that He has not already gone through for me, that I might always have hope in Him.
• Courage is joy in Jesus. It is not the lack of fear. I was afraid today and before today. Many times in the last two days I came to God with hands empty–especially this morning–and told Him that I had nothing to give to Him, but that I was in desperate need. This situation was hopeless without Him. And yet, I sat through the whole thing, through nerves and deliverance from them, with the Lord.
• Jesus is alive. I knew this in head but realized it in heart while on the chair. Jesus died as me, and now lives as me. He is on a throne.
• Jesus is alive. I say it again because I need you to know that Jesus is alive, the One Who weeped at His friend’s death, Who washed His disciples’ feet, Who made the deaf-mute man able to hear and talk, Who calmed the storm, Who walked on the sea, Who whithered the tree, Who rose from the dead. This Jesus, the real Jesus, is both infinitely personal and infinitely powerful. He’s not just one or the other. He has power to form worlds with a word or a song, but He also has compassion on the stillborn infant, the infant’s parents, the the world’s leaders, and the 24-year old white male in Catonsville, Maryland who presented his worry about a dental filling to Him for two days. Jesus, with power to close the Grand Canyon, held my hand today in the dentist’s chair. He talked to me in the dentist’s chair, even while orchestrating the redemptive work in all the cosmos.

Thank You, Jesus. Please be glorified in my life.

PS I have to tell you, I must admit this, that I was more happy in the Lord after that dental appointment than I have been in awhile. I mean, to the point where I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut about Him. Consider this!!!!!!!!

Meditations on Ephesians 6:1-20

I’m intend here to only spend time meditating on what this passage (Ephesians 6:10-20) teaches.

1. It is possible to be strengthened in the Lord Jesus, to find my power in God.
2. It is possible to be strong in the Lord Jesus’ mighty power. Jesus, Who gave up all power, now has it back, and it is mighty. There is no force comparable to it. It sends the greatest evils in the universe fleeing. It has defeated these evils, and someday will finish them. Lord Jesus, I am weak — please make me strong in You and Your mighty power.
3. There is a full armor of God that the whole church is meant to don. I just read about it in my commentary (The New Bible Commentary), and I am pretty awed, pretty comforted, pretty enveloped in peace. Here are some strong takeaway impressions:
   1. The decisive victory being already one at the cross and resurrection, we now are called to stand, simply to hold our ground against the devil’s schemes. He does a vast variety of things, most commonly to tempt each of us to disobey God and think under corrupt parameters. The armors listed for us are some of the same as are listed for God in Isaiah (e.g., 59:17). They all–each one–stem from a spiritual understanding of the gospel of peace: namely, that through Christ the whole cosmos will be redeemed. This spiritual understanding comes only from God. It is not man-made or wrought by man’s mind in any way. No one would make this up: a brave God? a weak God? a dying God? a God receiving His own wrath? Ask our Father to take you deeper into the gospel of peace–I am compelled to do this daily, perhaps moreso. I may never plumb its depths.
   2. The sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God–the gospel, or the Bible that holds it–is our weapon. Perhaps not merely in memorizing Scripture and reciting it at the devil, but rather being set firmly in the gospel. We now sit with Jesus in authority (the helmet of our salvation), so let us combat the evil of this world with the truth. Not spitefully, but in love. Remember, it is a gospel of peace. God hasn’t called an end to this age, yet, because of His patience. We should thank Him for His patience–He waited for us, and now He waits for untold others.

Lord, thank You for waiting for me before You brought an end to this age. Thank You for waiting for my friends and family who don’t yet know You. Lord, please save them; please pierce their darknesses with the light of Your Son, His light through His church.

I pray for the gospel, God. I pray for all of those today who will open their mouths, that words might be given them so that they will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel. I pray, Lord, that many would come to know You today, for Your glory, and that their salvation would be proved through perseverance. And that mine would, too.

I offer myself up to You today, Jesus–this is only a reasonable act of service.

Destined for greatness and the secret to courage

Since a kid I’ve always had this gut feeling that I was destined for greatness. Today, for the first time, I am realizing that that very well may be true, but that it may not be greatness in this world.

One of my greatest fears is unpredicted, tramautic physical pain. You can tell me to suck it up and face it, but that’s not really a solution. But I am starting to wonder if perhaps this nightmare of my heart is exactly what God is preparing me to face someday. Perhaps severe pain is coming in my life, and must come before I meet my Lord in person.

If that is the case (or if it’s not), I had best get on my face in desperate need of courage.

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I don’t know if the words written above are truth or not — or really if they matter at all — or perhaps they are straight from hell. Indeed, it utterly pointless for me to guess at what my future holds, whether that’s based on a gut feeling or logic or whatever else. What I must rely upon — and what courage comes from — is the certain parts of my future.

I am certainly saved by Jesus Christ. I am certainly saved by One Who said I want to give up being the Son of God on a throne so that I might not be the only Son of God. He came, sacrificed all, and finished the work required for my adoption, along with the adoption of untold an untold multitude. I can be assured of my salvation — it is my helmet that protects from the devil’s lies.

The secret to courage, Tim Keller says in a sermon called “Hero of Heroes,” is joy. This comes from Christ.

Jesus, grant me untold joy.

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By the way: I indeed am destined for greatness — but it is a greatness completely independent of my life on this planet.

Father, one thing I don’t understand: what about rewards?

Meditations on Colossians 4

Lord, there is much oppression in the place where Crystal is today. Please set her free; please eradicate that darkness; please destroy the strongholds that have been erected on her precious mind.

Father, this fast is getting very difficult now. No longer can we hide in the arms of sleep–it is morning. So we come to  You. We see our selfishness, Lord–now won’t You please change it? Won’t You please change us, God?

Col 4:2 Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.

Lord, You are watchful over us. Your Son was thankful toward You. Please, Father, make us watchful and thankful. Make us watchful against the snares and traps and assaults and tricks of our maliciously intelligent enemy. Father, I do not think I’m smarter than him, but I know that You are bigger and more powerful than him by an infinite gap. Please, God, knock down these hellish forces we’ve come against. Please, Father, prepare us for victory over them. Please bless this fast.

Lord, we are afraid of the future, of what it might hold, of what consequences may be within it for our sin. Please, Father, deliver us.

God, I feel like an idiot for taking us away from the wonderful place we were in. But there is a season for everything and, though that season was wonderful, it too was meant to pass. I cringe at that, my soul mourns at that, but I just press forward toward Christ, even though right now it does not make sense. I do not want to do this on my own, Father!!!

When Satan attacks all hope vanishes. <this entry cut short.>

The gospel under the dentist’s drill

Lord Jesus, You suffered immense pain on the cross, in all ways, so much that, in it’s absolute undeservedness, You absorbed the full wrath of God, and now here I am, uncondemned, and I want to feel like I’m in a spectacular, wonderful light!!! I want to feel like, “WOW!!!”

Lord, today I went to the dentist for a cleaning and there were cavities. God, my fears of the dentist just about pummeled me. They did pummel me. I took the filling, but it’s just an uncontrollable physical reaction! It’s unpredictable pain, a supersonic grinding into my nerve endings in my bones in my mouth, and it makes me swallow rapidly and shut my eyes and breathe eratically and clench my fists and pray, “GOD! I! NEED! YOU! I NEED YOU GOD I NEED YOU GOD I NEED YOU GOD I NEED YOU I NEED YOU I NEED YOU!”

I was so disappointed in my inability to handle this pain that is so small compared to Christ’s sufferings. Lord, You have shown me, though, that there is sanctification that can be done by Your magnificent Holy Spirit within me in ANY SITUATION. There is no situation (provided it’s not me willfully partaking of sin; for example, this isn’t possible in the act of adultery) that Your Holy Spirit cannot use to further sanctify me, to deepen our relationship, to make me more holy, more in the image of Your Son.

God, what is the gospel under the dentist’s drill???? Lord, what is to Your glory in the dentist’s office?

Some thoughts did come to me as I desperately screamed prayers in my mind under the drill:

1) Someday this will not be necessary. The initial take-away from that was that this was a passing thing; this too would pass, as Crystal texted me earlier (God bless her!); I would get over this; I just needed to roll with this punch like I was learning to roll with other punches. Christ Jesus died 2000-some years ago on a cross and, being fully God and fully man, made the sacrifice necessary for all of creation to be redeemed from the effects of sin. When He returns, the earth will be renewed, and creation will be as it was always meant to be. What we see now is a shadow next to that. Think of your favorite food–how it tastes, feels, and smells. Just the food of these new heavens and new earth will make that appear like dust. This is the gospel: that Jesus was Who He said He was and that He died to save us from this present darkness. This rescue operation can successfully pull You from the darkness now.

But now I see this: Right now, it is necessary. My tolerance for doctor-induced physical pain is laughable. As soon as I get into a non-predictable or new doctor situation that might involve surgery or cutting or prodding, I’m all shakes. I think I was traumatized as a child or something. But I look not to the reason behind my fear; rather, I stare with eyes popping out at the King behind my fearlessness. I must, for there is naught else I can do. No other alternative is available. Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ alone will take me through this fear; He alone will cure me of it; He alone will numb the pain where it must be numbed and allow the pain where it must be experienced.

Why do I have to experience jarring pain now, and in the dental office of all places? I have no idea. I have no clue. But I must remember that next to God I am like our old dog who, having an ear infection, looking terrified and fought fiercely to get away from the swab of medicine we had for her. The gap of intelligence between the dog and us prevented her from understanding what we were doing, or even how any good could come out of it (usually she was trusting of us, but in this case her eyes said, “Why are you trying to kill me?” The gap of intelligence between me and God is infinitely greater. This truth should completely change my life and its fears. Completely.

And yet, God, presented with this truth my mind may be temporarily comforted but my feelings of fear and anger and confusion and a desire to get out of this or cancel the next appointment RAGE within me!

Someday, this will not be necessary… but right now it is.

2) As Jesus was upon the cross, and the other criminal asked Him to remember Him in heaven, Jesus told the other criminal that that night they’d be together in paradise (Luke’s account of the cross). I believe during Jesus’ life He was constantly thinking about the cross that lay before Him, and that on the cross He was finally free, even from the pits of hell, to meditate on what was to come.

I don’t understand the cross at all–if I did, I imagine I’d be overcome with joy to the point of tears every single day and I’d not be able to shut my mouth about the timelessly good news that God has made a way for all our fears to be utterly ameliorated.

God, that is my precious prayer — that I might understand the incredibly riches of the CROSS; that it might phantasmically estinctify any fears of physical pain again; that it might send me to the dentist’s office or the hospital or my own cross with something that currently I lack. Currently, God, I am a fearful, cowardly man. Please make me into a fearless man who is properly fearful of You.

I’ll have another chance to meditate on this very soon — I have an appointment for the third and most complicated filling (this one requires numbing) this Saturday at 11am.

The classroom transformed into a congregation

This is my prayer–that the gospel will radically changed, transform, and electrify my classroom. That it will be a place God uses to let people taste and see that He is good.

The classroom has grown into a place where we collect goods for dispatching on errands of mercy. This year we’ve collected cans–the two classes have competed against each other to “give the most generously” for roughly a month at a time. Some of the drives have brought in less than five cans; others have brought in more than sixty. The record for the greatest influx in one day for any one class is 20, then 19.

We’ve collected old cell phones, which can be recycled through Shelter Alliance and used to raised funds for a charity of your choosing. We chose the Esperanza Movement Foundation, a non-profit that combats child trafficking by ministering mercy to street children in Central America (and, someday, throughout the world we hope).

Last year we collected change in the cafeteria for the Esperanza Movement. Our teacher rode his bike across Maryland and Virginia (aiming to go to San Francisco but falling well short under Satan’s attacks) to raise sponsorships funding the same organization.

But these works are grains of dust next to the mammoth diamond that is the gospel. It is in contextualizing and sharing the gospel with all involved in and throughout the classroom’s environment that I must find satisfaction, purpose, and exploded significance. “Making a difference” in the life of a child is too small a thing.

Lord, please, please change me into a person who has tasted You and seen that You are GOOD. Please become my Cheetos, my Fritos, my barbecue chips, my meat-lovers pizza, my stromboli, my ice cream, all of that. God, please.

What’s important rather than what’s urgent

My inbox seems urgent right now (it always does), but what’s important is that I praise our Father Who has just done such a thing in my classes.

I was reading the Bible at the end of 1/2pd, studying verses in 1 Peter 4 that talk of suffering (as this has been heavy on my mind, and I have come to pray for fearlessness against suffering and the things of this world and a proper fear of God), and as the class neared it’s end I wanted to share the gospel with the class. It was a compulsion to do it. 1 Peter 4:14 says, “If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.” This was powerful enough to remove my fear of student reactions, students telling their parents, me getting in trouble; also a fear of a child whose parents are Muslims, who I have been afraid to truly witness to, afraid of messing up their family or undermining his parents’ authority. This is a wicked fear, borne in hell yet taken on in innocently enough. I pray that God will remove such fears, that 1 Peter 4:14 will be my rallying cry when I doubt whether to be a light in darkness. Father, may I learn to thrive in suffering and hard circumstances and disrespect and insult; may I learn to be content in all circumstances, as Paul wrote of in Phil 4.

I looked at the gum jar next to our overhead projector and I picked it up and I said, “Class, we are like this gum jar, each one of us. We all have things we’ve done, things we’ve thought, things that’ve been done to us, things that’ve hurt us that make us as nasty as the inside of this gum jar. But God Who made us has come to offer us a way to be clean again. Jesus is the way. That is the good news of Jesus.” (Something like that.)

During the next class I went further: “We all have pieces of gum and straws and soggy cookies and chewed candy that we’ve added to our jars. Jesus changes us from gum jars to even better than this bottle of water–clean, pure, drinkable. He does this by being the only person Who’s ever who remained a pure water bottle without a single piece of gum. He lived a perfect life. But then, He took the consequence for being a gum jar. We’re a gum jar [held it up]–we deserve to die. We’re responsible for this gum in our jar. But He was a water bottle [held it up]–He was perfect and deserved to live forever.”

“Guys, this might sound bad, but I pray that each of you will come to a place in your life where you realize that you’re like this gum jar and that you can’t do anything to fix it and that you’re completely lost. And when that time comes, I pray that you’ll remember that there is a way to be clean, for good, and to be refreshed and have life make sense. It’s just a matter of admitting to God that you are a gum jar and you’re lost and you need Him. And because of His Son’s sacrifice, that’s all it takes. Jesus has made the path for us to get to God–the one and only path.”

Some floodgates opened. Lawrence asked, “Mr. Stuart, what if you doubt? What if you’re not sure Jesus is real.” I was envigorated to hear other voice chime in that they, too, experienced doubts about God, about how He came to be, about “who made God?”, about whether Jesus really existed.

TO BE CONTINUED… (basically, we had a good discussion, and I asked Deyante later in the car if he knew Jesus. He said not that much. So I asked him if he had any questions, and when he asked more I spoke to him about how the gospel is a lot like the Harry Potter series.

More than anything - meditation

More than anything right now I need God. Instead of attending to the urgent matter of planning the rest of today’s lesson, I come to Him in His Word. I pick up right where I left off, because somewhere, right where He has me, there is food for today.

Col 1:23
There is great hope in the Gospel. It has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven. Paul was a servant of the gospel, and so too, Lord, do I want to be.
1:24 Paul rejoiced in Christ’s sufferings because of who they were done for: us. Paul then “filled up his flesh” with more sufferings, that more might change lives and brings people into God’s kingdom. This is where I’m at–at a point where I see my need to suffer for the good of the gospel, for the good of the message of Christ. Perhaps my life cannot always be easy; perhaps Jesus was to be taken seriously when He said a servant wouldn’t be above his master. Perhaps it is time, “Therefore, since Christ suffered in His body, to arm myself also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin” (1 Peter 4:1). I have done much to avoid pain and danger in my life. I have done much to avoid it in my classroom, in my relationship with Crystal, and in all of my relationships. I’ve taken the easy road. Lord, I now ask that You would continue to be stern with me, and that You would show me how to suffer. When I suffer, may I be made like Your precious Name above all names, King Jesus. May my values in pain and suffering be made clear–rather than becoming anxious and irritable, make me faithful and patient.

Lord, I come to You today, just before class starts, with a desperate need for Your intervention in my life. Thank You, Father, for caring so much.

Meditations on Colossians 1

In the last three (or more) letters I’ve read, Paul has started by saying that he always thanks God for the believers he is writing to. He writes often that he and his coworkers do not stop praying for people. Paul practices what he teaches, the idea of continual prayer.

How does Paul pray with thanksgiving for Christians that are in dire need of correction? It seems to be that he looks for evidences of grace in their lives. He seeks out the good God is doing in them; rather than caricaturing them as villains or simpletons, he seems to have meditated on the “fearfully and wonderfully madeness” of the people he writes to, and the power of the gospel to change those people. So before he starts the main business of his letters, he sincerely shares his thanksgiving for the people he writes to, flawed though they are.

Paul built people up with this kind of encouraging thanksgiving. How envigored it makes me feel to be treated like this by a spiritual father.

This can be applied to marriage and teaching. I am called to practice the spiritual discipline of respecting Crystal. This requires me not to judge Crystal on my expectations and intentions, but rather on the grace of God. It calls me to list the graces God has given her and, very often, to trust the Lord for patience and guidance in directing her away from sin in her life. She has a similar approach to me. We work at this, because we are called to do it.

Lord, I confess that I often slip into the trap of not finding interest in people, especially students and teachers. When I am at school, I am often on a mission to do my job for the school, rather than to take an interest in people. Lord, I need You to navigate me through the maze of busy-ness and being Your ambassador.

Strike fear from my heart, Father, for anything but You. Erase the fear of men. Let me suffer with joy, considering it an honor to share in the suffering of my Lord.

Father, thank You.